Monterey Jack

I'm so lonely. I can't believe how low my self esteem is either but I'm managing. I'm playing tennis every night now with Dad when it cools down. The nights are so nice and we only stop playing when we miss all our shots because it's too dark to see. I'm struggling through LOTR - it's ok but oh so wordy! I realize now that I didn't like the ending of the Half Blood Prince but it was entertaining and I had to enjoy the book just because it was Harry Potter afterall. I can't wait to start up on some of my courses at MSVU - except for the Tolkien one. I have a feeling of impending doom for some reason when I think of that 4000 level seminar course.... *breathes in and out into paper bag*

Money matters sucks. I'm low on cashflow. Bad me. Food and gas just gets the better of me (damn high gas prices!!). And I dont' even want to get started on this awful relationship I've got going on... I can't believe how much we fight! It's awful! We didn't talk to each other for two hours!!! Still made it to the beach and had a good time after we started talking again... just to fight when we got back in town. *sigh* And it's the stupidest, most meaningless stuff and I think that's why we get so worked up about it. We never seem to agree on anything anymore and are scared to say anything to each other for fear of hurt feelings or another fight. Bah. Ice cream can't solve anything but that hug made me come back inside and try to work things out again... until he fell asleep 10 minutes later leaving me and Brad to "Saving Private Ryan" (hehehe shaving ryan's privates...). And of course our hockey talk as we're both huge Leafs fans and Kent doesn't speak hockey.

I miss Matt horribly. I thought that not talking to him would ease the pain but it only makes it worse and I worry more. I don't know why I keep dreaming of ex's and them being in the hospital and not wanting to see me when I'm worried sick about them and only want to help them... I also have many dreams where Matt and I get back together and all is well (no nuclear bombs or anything lol). I'm not sure if Kent and I are even still dating right now. I suggested we just go back to being friends and he thought about it. I figure when I move back to Hali it'll probably peter out.... I'm trying not to think about how much the future is going to suck... I want a kitten. It would make everything better. Like the one by the tennis courts. It's so cute and cuddly and likes to play and be held... being held right now sounds really good...